The Text Nobody Else Thought to Send

Quick answer: A like isn't encouragement. Pick one person, name one specific thing they did, tell them what it meant, and send it privately. It takes two minutes. Do it this week.

Say a girl from your youth group sings the solo at her spring concert. Her mom posts the video Friday night. By Saturday it has 212 likes and a wall of fire emojis. She'll check that number a few times, feel good for about an hour, and forget it by Tuesday.

Now say one person sends her this on Saturday afternoon: "The part where your voice cracked on the high note and you kept going anyway? That was the bravest thing I saw all week."

She'll remember that one in ten years. She might screenshot it. Girls keep those. You probably have a little folder of them yourself.

A like costs nothing, and she knows it

Likes aren't bad. But a double-tap takes a quarter of a second, and your thumb usually does it while you're half watching something else. Everybody knows this, including the person getting them. It's applause from the back of a dark room.

Paul wrote something that fits your phone better than he could have imagined:

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29, ESV)

Look at "as fits the occasion." The words Paul's describing are aimed. They fit one person and one moment. That's exactly what "so pretty!!" can't do, because you could paste it under anybody's post.

Proverbs puts it more sweetly: "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body" (Proverbs 16:24, ESV). Nobody ever called a heart emoji a honeycomb.

How to write the message she keeps

It's simpler than it sounds.

1. Name the specific thing. Not "you're amazing." The actual thing she did.
2. Say what it did. To you, to the team, to the room.
3. Stop. Don't tack on "anyway lol" or turn it into a story about you.

Some before-and-afters:

• Weak: "ur so talented" Better: "I didn't know you drew. The hands in that sketch are better than anything I could do in a year."
• Weak: "proud of u!" Better: "You stayed after practice every day for three weeks to fix your serve. I noticed. It showed tonight."
• Weak: "love you girl" Better: "Thanks for sitting with me at lunch back in August when I didn't know anyone. I don't think you know how much that mattered."

Notice what those praise: effort, skill, courage, kindness. Things she chose. Compliments about looks aren't wrong, but they're about something she didn't earn and can't control, and a steady diet of them trains everybody to measure the wrong thing. If you want more on that, Your Worth Was Settled Before You Had One Follower goes deep on it.

Send it to the person nobody's texting

The easiest people to encourage already have plenty. The most popular girl's post has 300 comments. Yours would be number 301.

Look sideways instead:

• The girl who moved in January and still eats lunch in the library.
• The friend whose post sat there all day with four likes.
• Whoever's having a rough week. Her grandpa died, she got cut from the team, her parents are fighting.
• Your youth leader, who gave up her Wednesday night for you and rarely hears anything back.
• Your mom. Seriously. Text her something specific from your day, or thank her for something she thinks you didn't notice. She'll read it more times than she'll admit.
• A grandparent, who would be thrilled with one photo and one sentence.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works" (Hebrews 10:24, ESV). Consider means you actually think about who needs it. It's on purpose.

Private beats public more often than you'd think

Jesus said this about giving:

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." (Matthew 6:3-4, ESV)

He was talking about money, but the principle travels. A public comment is partly for her and partly for everyone watching you be nice. A private message is only for her.

There's one big exception. When someone's being mocked in the comments or piled on in a group chat, standing up for her publicly is exactly right, and staying quiet isn't kindness. What to Type When the Group Chat Turns on Someone walks through that.

For everything else, ask yourself one question before you hit send: Would I still send this if nobody could ever see that I did?

Things that look kind and aren't

• Broadcasting someone's private pain. Commenting "praying for you through everything you're going through" under a post tells 400 people she's going through something. If she told you privately, keep it private. Pray, then text her.
• The aimed Bible verse. Posting a verse about gossip right after a fight with a friend isn't encouragement. It's a subtweet with a chapter number, and everybody can tell.
• Sharing without asking. Screenshotting her post or her message to "show support" can embarrass her. Ask first.
• Hype that isn't true. "Best singer in the whole state!!" isn't encouragement if it's not true, and she knows it isn't. Specific and true beats huge and fake every time.

Kind isn't the same as available

Building people up doesn't mean you owe everybody a reply. You can mute, block, leave a group chat, or put your phone in a drawer for a week. Jesus served crowds all day, and "he would withdraw to desolate places and pray" (Luke 5:16, ESV). Stepping away isn't selfish. It's how you keep having something to give.

Keep your encouragement for people you actually know. Don't strike up friendships with strangers online, and don't accept messages from adults you don't know. If anyone online asks you to meet up, to send photos, or to keep something secret from your parents, that's a hard line. Show a parent or youth leader today. You won't be in trouble.

When the reply scares you

Sometimes you send something kind and what comes back is heavy. "Thanks. Honestly I don't know why I even bother anymore." Or something darker.

Don't try to be her counselor alone at midnight. Tell a parent, your youth leader or your pastor tonight, even if she asked you not to. You won't be in trouble, and neither will she. Telling a grown-up isn't betraying her. It's how you love her when the problem is bigger than both of you.

If she's talking about not wanting to be alive, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any hour. If she's in immediate danger, call 911. And if you're the one feeling that way, the same number is for you too.

Try this on Sunday night

Before you plug your phone in, send three messages. One to a friend. One to someone on the edge of your circle. One to an adult who pours into you. Keep them specific, private and short. It'll take you six minutes.

Do it for a month and something strange happens. You start watching people differently all week, because you're looking for what to write on Sunday. You notice the girl who helped the sub. You catch the kid who got a hard question right. Jesus said "out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45, ESV), and it turns out the thumbs follow the heart too.

You'll almost never find out which ones got screenshotted. Send them anyway.