The guy who blows up isn't the one in control

Quick answer: Proverbs never calls the angry guy strong. It calls him a city with no walls. The fix is slow and learnable: know your warning signs, leave before the first shove, and make it right the same day when you blow it.

It's the third game of pickup at the rec center. A guy on the other team plants an elbow in your ribs on a rebound, grins about it, and says something about your mom. Your face goes hot. Your hands close. The whole court stops to see what you'll do.

In that moment, one of you is in control of your next move.

It isn't you.

A city with no walls

Proverbs 25:28 (ESV) says, "A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls."

In Solomon's day, a city's walls were everything. They decided who got in and who stayed out. A city without them wasn't free. It was open. Anybody could walk in, take what they wanted and leave.

Think about the guy with the elbow. With one comment, he walked straight through your gate and grabbed the controls. If you swing, he decided that. If you scream, he decided that. That's the strange thing about a temper. It feels like power and it works like a leash, and whoever wants to can pick up the other end.

Proverbs 16:32 (ESV) flips the whole thing around: "Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city."

Solomon compares keeping your cool to conquering a city. He's not saying it's cute or polite. He's saying it's harder than winning a war. Any guy can throw a punch. Not many can take the elbow, check the ball and play the next point.

Anger isn't the sin

Let's be honest about this, because a lot of Christian guys get told that being a good kid means never feeling angry. That's not in the Bible.

Ephesians 4:26 (ESV) says, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." Jesus made a whip and drove the money changers out of the temple (John 2:13-17). Some things should make you angry. A kid getting shoved into lockers every day. Somebody lying about your sister. Cruelty.

The feeling isn't the problem. What you do with it is, and so is how fast you do it.

Proverbs 29:11 (ESV): "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."

Holding it back doesn't make you a doormat. If someone's getting picked on, stand next to them. Say "knock it off" and mean it. Get a teacher. If somebody attacks you, you're allowed to protect yourself. What Proverbs is after is simpler: don't let your pride pick your fights for you. Proverbs 20:3 (ESV) says, "It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling." Walking away is the honorable move there, not the weak one.

Quit while it's still a trickle

Proverbs 17:14 (ESV) might be the most practical verse on this whole subject: "The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out."

Picture a crack in a dam. At first it's a trickle you could plug with your thumb. Wait a minute and it's a flood nobody can stop.

Every fight you've ever been in had a moment about ten seconds before it started when leaving would've cost you almost nothing. The trick is learning to spot that moment while it's still a trickle.

So learn your early warning signs. Seriously, write them down tonight. For most guys, it's some mix of these:

• Heat in your face or neck
• Jaw clenching, hands closing
• Your voice getting louder without you choosing it
• The urge to step closer to the other person
• Replaying what they said, already building your comeback

When you notice two of them, that's your exit. Not after the next thing he says. Now.

What to actually do in the moment

Put distance between you. Walk. You don't need a comeback. "I'm done" is a complete sentence. So is saying nothing.

Drop your voice. Proverbs 15:1 (ESV): "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." This works on brothers, teammates and parents alike. It's very hard to keep yelling at someone who answers you quietly.

Breathe out slowly. A long exhale, longer than the inhale, a few times. It won't fix everything, but it buys you the seconds you need to think.

Don't type. A furious text in a group chat is a punch that gets screenshotted. Put the phone face down for an hour. You'll almost never send what you were about to.

Ask whose fight it is. Proverbs 26:17 (ESV): "Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears." Grab a stray dog by the ears and you're getting bitten, and you'll deserve it. Half the drama that sucks guys in isn't even theirs.

The costs nobody mentions

A blowup costs you more than you'd think. At a lot of schools, both guys get suspended, no matter who swung first. Somebody filmed it, and that video doesn't go away. The controller you threw was yours, and now you're buying another one with your own money.

And the one that stings most: the bedroom door you slammed on your mom. She's not the elbow guy. She's the person who's been feeding you for fifteen years. If your temper shows up worst at home, that's worth noticing, because it usually means you save your self-control for people you're trying to impress and spend your anger on people who love you.

When you already blew it

You will. Every guy does. What matters is what you do next.

Go to the person, the same day if you possibly can. That's the "don't let the sun go down" part. Say what you did with no "but" attached: "I yelled at you and it was wrong. I'm sorry." Then stop talking. Don't explain what they did to set you off.

If you broke something, replace it. Better yet, replace it with something a little nicer. Leave it better than you found it.

Then take it to God. 1 John 1:9 (ESV): "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." You're not on probation with Him. Jesus already paid for this one, and grace is how you get back up. If someone else blew up at you and you're struggling to let it go, read You can forgive him and still not trust him yet.

Walls get built, not wished for

Galatians 5:22-23 lists self-control as fruit of the Spirit. Fruit grows. You don't grit your teeth and produce an apple. So pray about your temper before the game, not just after the fight. Ask God to change what's underneath it.

James 1:19-20 (ESV) says, "let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." If you want a week in the book that says it best, try Seven Days in James, Twelve Minutes Before School.

Watch who you hang out with, too. Proverbs 22:24-25 (ESV): "Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare." Tempers are contagious.

And tell someone. If your anger shows up almost every day, if you've hurt someone, if you're scared you might, or if someone at home is angry at you in a way that frightens you, talk to your dad or mom, your youth pastor or a school counselor today. You won't be in trouble for asking for help. That's what they're there for. If the anger ever turns into hopelessness or thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day.

Back on the court, the guy's still grinning. You pick up the ball, check it to him and play the next point.

Nobody on that court will notice. It's still the strongest thing anyone there does all day.