Decide Your Dating Standards Before Anyone Asks

Quick answer: Write your dating standards down now, while nobody's asking, and make them about how you'll act instead of what he has to be. Then talk to a parent about them before there's anyone to talk about.

It's 2:47 on a Friday. Your locker's open, you're halfway through jamming a chemistry book into your bag, and a boy from your English class says, "Hey, a bunch of us are going to the movies Saturday. You should come. Or, like, just us."

You have about four seconds to answer.

Whatever you say in those four seconds is your real standard. It isn't the one you'd share in small group. It's the one you actually live by. And four seconds, with your face going hot and a hallway full of people, is a terrible time to figure out what you believe.

So figure it out on a boring Tuesday instead.

Write the list about you, not about him

If you've thought about dating at all, you probably have some version of a list. Funny. Plays guitar. Loves Jesus. Texts back. Nice to his mom.

It's not a bad list. It's just a menu. It tells you what you'd like to order and nothing about what you'll do when the waiter brings you something else.

The list that actually protects you is about your own choices. It starts from something that's already true. Psalm 139:14 (NIV): "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

You're not waiting for a boy to confirm that. God said it first, and He doesn't take it back when nobody asks you to homecoming. If that's hard to believe right now, read Your Worth Was Settled Before You Had One Follower.

Standards come from worth. Not the other way around. You don't set a high bar to prove you're valuable. You set it because you already are.

A starting list you can steal

Grab a sheet of paper or open your notes app. Copy these, cross out what doesn't fit, add your own. Keep it short enough to remember in a hallway.

• I'll only date someone who follows Jesus. Not "goes to church sometimes." Follows. 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV): "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." Missionary dating, where you plan to change him, mostly changes you.
• My parents know before anything starts. Not after. Before.
• Groups first. Getting to know someone around friends and family shows you who he is when he's not performing for you.
• If I'd have to lie about where I am, the answer is no. That one rule catches almost everything.
• I don't owe anyone anything physical. Not for a nice evening, not for a long relationship, not because he's sad, not because everyone else is. Not ever, for any reason.
• My friends and family don't get traded in. Anyone who wants you to choose between him and them has told you exactly who he is.
• I'm not in a hurry.

That last one's the hardest.

Waiting isn't a waiting room

The same line shows up three times in Song of Songs (2:7, 3:5 and 8:4), which tells you something. The NIV puts it this way: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

Waiting gets talked about like sitting in a doctor's office, flipping through old magazines until your name's called. It's nothing like that. The years you're not dating are the years you get to become somebody. You learn to drive. You get your first job. You find out you're better at chemistry than you thought. You build friendships that'll still be around when you're thirty, and you work out what you believe about God instead of borrowing what your youth pastor believes.

Now the annoying part, said out loud. Some of your friends will date at thirteen, and you'll feel behind. Somebody will post an anniversary photo for a six-week relationship and you'll feel it in your stomach.

That feeling is real. It's also lying to you. You're not behind in a race, because there isn't a race.

Being single at fifteen doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means you're fifteen.

Talk to your mom before there's anyone to talk about

This is the step most girls skip, and it's the one that makes everything else work.

Don't wait until a boy's already texting you every night. Bring it up while it's completely hypothetical. Try something like: "Can I ask you something that isn't about anybody? When do you think I'll be ready to date, and what would you want it to look like?"

It's weird for about ninety seconds. Then it turns into one of the better conversations you'll have with your parents, because you walked in as the person with a plan.

Ephesians 6:1-2 (ESV): "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise)."

Honoring them also happens to be a shield. If your dad's already said no one-on-one dates until you're sixteen, you've got an exit that costs you nothing: "My dad's strict about that." Let him be the bad guy. He'd be glad to.

Some of you don't have a parent who's easy to talk to, or one who shares your faith, or one who's around much. That's real, and it's not your fault. Find a grown Christian woman you trust: a youth leader, your pastor's wife, an aunt, a grandmother, your small group leader. If you haven't found one yet, youth group is where most girls do, and it's worth giving it six Wednesdays before you decide it's not for you.

And if your parents' answer is stricter than you'd like? Ask them, "What would you need to see from me?" It's a grown-up question, and parents notice who asks it.

What your list catches

Good standards work like a smoke detector. You forget they're there until they go off.

They go off when:

• he asks you to keep things from your parents
• he sulks or gets angry when you say no
• he asks for pictures
• he makes you feel guilty for spending time with your friends or family
• someone you met online wants to meet in person

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (ESV): "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way." Anybody pushing you, guilting you or hurrying you isn't being patient or kind, however sweet his texts are.

If any of that is happening right now, tell a parent, youth leader or school nurse today. Don't wait until you've decided whether it's "that bad." Today. You won't be in trouble. The adults who love you would so much rather know.

For the physical-boundaries question specifically, How Far Is Too Far Is the Wrong Question is worth ten minutes of your time.

If you've already broken your own list

Maybe you're reading this after a relationship you hid, or one that moved faster than you wanted, and you feel like standards are for girls who never messed up.

They're not. 1 John 1:9 (NIV): "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Jesus didn't die for the girls who got it all right. There aren't any. You get to start over today, and the list you write tonight counts just as much as anyone else's.

Tell someone what happened. It gets lighter the moment it's out of your head. And if it's left you feeling hopeless, or like you don't want to be here, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, day or night. Then tell a parent or youth leader too.

Back at the locker

Someday somebody's going to stand in front of you and ask. Maybe next week. Maybe in three years.

You won't need four seconds. You'll already know. "A group movie sounds fun. Just us? My parents would want to meet you first."

A boy who's worth your time will say, "Okay. When?"