How Far Is Too Far Is the Wrong Question

Every youth leader who's ever run an anonymous question box has pulled out the same card. Folded twice, written in pencil, no name: How far is too far?

It's an honest question. It's also the wrong one.

Think about what it's really asking. Where exactly is the edge, so I can get as close to it as possible without going over? Nobody asks how close they can park to a cliff. If you're measuring the distance to the drop in inches, you've already picked the wrong spot to stand.

So let's ask a better question.

A rule tells you where the edge is. Your worth tells you where to stand.

Rules aren't the enemy. God's commands are good, and they're given out of love, not to spoil your fun. But a rule you hold without knowing why is a rule you'll end up arguing with at eleven at night when someone's being persuasive and you're tired.

Knowing your worth doesn't argue. It just stands there.

Paul put it this way:

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20, NIV)

Bought at a price. Sit with that for a second. You know what something's worth by what somebody was willing to pay for it. The price paid for you was Jesus, the Son of God, on a cross. He died and rose again so that you could be forgiven and made His, by grace through faith in Him and nothing else. Not by being good enough. Not by keeping a perfect record. Just by trusting Him.

That's your value. It was settled before you ever had a single follower, which is the whole point of Your Worth Was Settled Before You Had One Follower. And it means your standards are you taking care of something precious. They aren't a cage.

Decide on a Tuesday afternoon

The worst time to figure out your standards is in the moment. Your brain in a tense, exciting or awkward situation isn't the same brain that shows up to algebra. So decide now, when nothing's happening and nobody's watching.

Get a notebook. Write down what you've decided. Not vague stuff like "I'll be good." Specific stuff you can actually check:

• I don't go to someone's house when their parents aren't home.
• My mom or dad knows who I'm talking to, including online.
• If a guy wants to spend time with me, he meets my parents first.
• I have a code word I can text home that means "come get me, no questions tonight."
• I don't send photos of myself to anyone who asks for them.

Then do the part most girls skip. Show the list to a parent. Yes, it's a little awkward. It's also the fastest way to get backup. A dad who knows your standards is a dad who'll happily be the bad guy when you need an excuse to leave. "My dad would lose it" has gotten more girls out of bad situations than any speech ever has.

If you don't have a parent you can talk to, take it to your youth leader or a woman at church you trust.

The photo line, said plainly

This one gets its own section because it's where a lot of girls get hurt.

If anyone asks you for a photo of yourself that you wouldn't show your grandmother, the answer is no. That goes for a boy at school, a girl you know, or someone online who seems really nice and really understands you. Anyone who asks is showing you exactly who they are.

Tell a parent, a school counselor or your youth leader today. You won't be in trouble for being asked.

And if you already sent something? Tell an adult today too. I know that feels impossible. But the sooner a trusted adult knows, the more they can do, and people who pressure girls for photos count on you being too scared to speak up. Don't give them that.

Same rule for anyone you met online who wants to meet in person or wants you to keep them a secret from your parents. Secrets are the tell. Tell someone.

What worth sounds like out loud

Nobody owes anybody anything physical. Not ever, not for any reason. Not because you've been together a long time, not because he bought you something, not because "everyone does." You don't owe a single thing.

And you don't owe an explanation for your standards either. You can just say:

• "No."
• "I'm not doing that."
• "I'm going home now."

That's it. Full sentences. A guy worth your time hears "no" once and respects it. If someone makes you pick between him and your standards, he's saved you a lot of time. He told you what he values, and it isn't you.

The guys worth waiting for? They'll be glad you have standards. They'll shake your dad's hand, meet your family, and treat waiting as something you're doing together.

Your standards aren't a scoreboard

Here's the ugly side of this that nobody warns you about. Once you've got your list, it's tempting to use it as a ruler for everyone else. She dresses like that. She's dating him. Well, I would never.

Don't. Purity was never meant to be a trophy you polish while looking down at other girls. The same grace that bought you bought her. If you've got a friend who's struggling, she needs someone in her corner more than she needs a critic.

Guarding your heart also covers a lot more than dating.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23, NIV)

What you watch, read, listen to and scroll through at midnight all shapes what you think love looks like. If a show keeps telling you that romance means rushing and secrets, it's teaching you something. You get to change the channel. If your heart needs a reset, Seven Days in the Psalms for a Teen Girl Who's Done With Cute is a good place to start.

If you've already crossed a line you wish you hadn't

Maybe you're reading this with a knot in your stomach because it's too late for the Tuesday-afternoon list. You already said yes to something you wish you'd said no to.

Listen closely. You're not damaged goods. That's a lie, and it's one of the cruelest ones out there. Your worth didn't drop. The price for you was paid before you did anything right or wrong, and it's still paid.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9, NIV)

Purify. That's His job, not yours, and He's very good at it. Tell Him the truth. Then tell a parent, your pastor or your youth leader, because nobody should carry this alone. If you've been avoiding church because you feel like a fraud, go anyway. Youth Group Won't Click on Night One. Give It Six Wednesdays. is written for exactly that feeling.

And if something happened that you didn't choose, it isn't your fault, and it isn't a purity problem. Tell a trusted adult today.

If the shame has gotten so heavy that you can't see a way forward, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It's free, it's open all day and night, and they want to hear from you.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1, NIV)

A better question for the card

Next time there's an anonymous question box, try writing a different question. What am I worth?

It's already been answered. The answer cost a cross, and it came back from the grave three days later.

Stand on that, a long way from the edge.