How to leave a date early without lying or apologizing

Quick answer: Get yourself there and home, carry a twenty-dollar bill, and decide what "done" looks like before you walk in. When it's time, say one true, kind sentence, put cash down for what you ordered, and stand up.

Most women who stay too long on a bad date aren't in danger. They're being polite. It's 8:15 on a Thursday, he's on his third story about his fantasy league, the check hasn't come, and leaving feels ruder than sitting through another forty minutes of it. So you sit.

You don't have to. And it's much easier to go when you planned the leaving at home.

Build the exit before you get dressed

The plan is boring on purpose. Boring means it works when you're flustered.

Own your ride. Drive yourself, or have the rideshare app open with your card loaded. Don't let a first date pick you up. It isn't about assuming the worst of him. If he's the one driving you home, then he decides when the night ends.

Pick coffee or lunch, not dinner. Coffee has a natural ending around forty-five minutes. Dinner with appetizers is ninety minutes before anybody mentions a check, and walking out between courses feels like a scene. Save dinner for a second date you actually want.

Tell one friend four things: where you're going, his full name, a photo of him, and the time you'll text her. Set that check-in for an hour in. If you don't text, she calls. If she calls and you want out, you take the call.

Carry cash. A twenty covers a latte, a pastry and a tip almost anywhere. Cash lets you leave without flagging down a server and waiting through the most awkward five minutes in American dining.

Know where the door is. You don't need to case the room like a bodyguard. Just notice the exit, where the host stand is, and where you parked.

Decide what "done" means ahead of time

Not every slow start is a verdict. Nervous men talk too much, or too little, and the first twenty minutes of a first date are often the worst twenty minutes of the whole relationship. Give an awkward guy half an hour before you write him off. The one who can't make small talk over coffee is sometimes the one who shows up at 6 a.m. with jumper cables when your car dies.

But some things end a date on the spot, and you shouldn't wait them out:

• He's rude to the server or the barista.
• He keeps pushing a drink after you've said no.
• He ignores a no on anything, however small.
• He asks where you live, or where you work exactly, and keeps asking.
• He gets angry about something minor, like a wait for a table.
• He talks about women with contempt, his ex or otherwise.

How a man treats people who can't do anything for him is the most honest thing he'll show you on a first date. There's more on reading that in Judge him by what he does when it costs him something.

There are three kinds of early exit, and each one gets different words.

The words to say

He's decent, just not for you

This is the most common one, and the one women handle worst, because he hasn't done anything wrong.

"I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're a match, and I'd rather be honest than take up your whole evening. I'm going to head out."

Then put your cash down and stand up. Standing up is half the sentence.

If you'd rather finish your drink first, there's a softer version:

"I'm going to call it after this one. Thanks for meeting me."

What you don't say: "I'll text you." "Something came up." "My sister needs me." Lies need maintenance. He texts on Saturday to ask how your sister is, and now you're managing a fake emergency for a man you'll never see again. The truth costs you one uncomfortable sentence. The lie costs you a week.

He's made you uncomfortable

Shorter, firmer, no cushioning.

"That's not okay with me. I'm leaving now."

He'll probably want to talk about it. You don't owe him the conversation. Say it once more if you have to, in the same flat tone: "I've decided. Goodnight." Then go.

Something feels unsafe

You don't owe him any words at all. Get up, walk to the host stand or the bar, and talk to an employee directly:

"The man I'm with is making me uncomfortable. Can someone walk me to my car, or wait with me until my ride gets here?"

Staff at restaurants and coffee shops handle this more often than you'd think, and most will help without making a fuss. If he follows you, threatens you, or won't let you leave, call 911. That's what it's for.

If you carry and you're trained, you already know the first answer is still distance and a door. Leaving is the win.

When he pushes back

Most men take "not a match" with a nod and a "fair enough." Some don't. The pushback tends to come in a few predictable forms, so have your answer ready.

"Come on, stay for one more." "No thanks. I'm heading out." Don't explain. An explanation is something to argue with.

"Did I say something wrong?" If he didn't: "No, you've been nice. I just don't feel it, and I didn't want to pretend." That's kind and it's true, and it gives him nothing to fix on the spot.

"At least let me walk you to your car." On an ordinary decent date, that's a gentlemanly offer and you can take it. If anything about him has you uneasy, decline: "I'm fine, thanks." Then wait inside for a minute or two after he leaves, or ask a staffer to walk you out. If he's waiting by your car, go back in.

He sulks, guilt-trips, or gets sharp. That's information. A man who can't handle a polite no over a latte isn't going to handle it better five years into a marriage. You've learned a lot for six dollars.

Pay your way out, and leave it clean

Put down enough for what you ordered, plus a tip. If he already paid at the counter, thank him plainly: "Thanks for the coffee." You aren't settling a debt. You're leaving the table square, so nobody walks away feeling owed or used.

It's the same rule as returning a borrowed car with a full tank. You end it so the other person has nothing to complain about, even if the evening wasn't what either of you hoped. That's the difference between a woman with standards and a woman who's just difficult. The first one is clear and kind and pays her share.

The text afterward

A decent man will often send something like "Hope you got home okay. I'd still love to see you again."

Answer once:

"Got home fine, thanks. I don't think we're a fit, but I wish you well."

Then stop. Don't answer the follow-up asking why, and don't get drawn into a debrief. If the messages turn nasty or won't stop, screenshot them and block him. If anything reads as a threat, keep the screenshots and call your local police non-emergency line.

And if you notice you're checking your phone all night waiting to see whether he's replied, the advice in Getting your evenings back from a phone built to keep them applies to this too. Put it in another room.

The part nobody warns you about

You'll feel guilty in the car. Almost everybody does, especially the women who were raised right and hate disappointing anyone. The guilt doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's what being considerate feels like when you put your own time first for once.

Leaving after forty minutes is kinder to him than three more dates spent checking the clock, and it's kinder to the man you're actually meant to marry, who's out there somewhere while you're being polite to the wrong one. When you're further down the road with someone, The things to watch before you marry him picks up where this leaves off.

A good man can handle a woman who knows when she's done. Practice on the ones who aren't him.