Say a small no in the first month and watch what he does

Quick answer: Love-bombing, possessive jealousy and boundary-pushing all arrive dressed as devotion. Say one small, low-stakes no in the first month. How he takes it over the next day will tell you more than anything he says.

Week three. He sent roses to your office on Tuesday. On Thursday he told you he's never felt this way about anyone. By Saturday he'd booked a weekend in Asheville for next month, nonrefundable, and mentioned that his mom can't wait to meet you. Your friends say you hit the jackpot.

And if you're honest, you feel a little out of breath.

Trust that. Feeling rushed is information. Most women get taught to talk themselves out of it, because the rushing looks so much like romance.

Why the warning signs look like flattery

Nobody opens with control. If a man on a second date told you who you could have lunch with, you'd be gone before dessert.

The early version is generous. It's attention and gifts and texts at all hours. It's "I just worry about you." It's a joke about the guy from your office that isn't really a joke.

Each piece on its own is easy to excuse. That's the whole design. You're not hunting for one damning moment. You're looking for a direction.

Love-bombing: watch the speed, not the size

A good man can be generous. He can be obviously, happily into you. Neither one is the problem.

Pace is the problem. Love-bombing squeezes months into weeks. "Soulmate" by date four. Talk of moving in before he knows your middle name. A $400 bracelet when you've known him eleven days.

Ask what the speed does for him. When you're swept up, you stop asking questions. You also start to feel like you owe him. Every grand gesture becomes a small debt, and later, when he wants something, the debt gets called in. "After everything I've done for you."

Real affection has patience in it. A man who might want to marry you someday can wait long enough to find out whether he should.

Jealousy isn't proof he cares

Somewhere along the way, women picked up the idea that a little jealousy means he's serious. It doesn't. It means he's insecure, and he's handing you the job of managing it.

Early jealousy usually comes small and wrapped in a compliment:

• "You looked too good tonight. Every guy in there was staring."
• "Who's texting you? Just curious."
• "I don't love that you still talk to him."
• Going quiet after you see your friends, then insisting he's fine.

Notice where every one of those lands. On you. Your outfit, your phone, your evening. The fix he's angling for is always that you get a little smaller.

A secure man is glad you have a full life. He likes your friends. He's proud to walk into a room with you, and he doesn't need a check-in text from the restroom. Protective is fine. Possessive isn't. A good man borrows your car and brings it back with a full tank. A controlling one wants to know where you drove it.

The boundary he keeps leaning on

Boundary-testing rarely looks like a fight. It looks like a nudge.

You said you'd rather not drink tonight, and he orders you one anyway, "in case." You said you need to be home by ten because you work at seven, and at 9:45 he's suddenly hurt that you're leaving. You told him you're not ready to meet his family, and two weeks later his sister is "just stopping by."

None of it is a crisis. Each one is a question. Does your no mean no, or does it mean "push a bit harder"?

Give way on the small things to keep the peace and you've answered it for him. The boundaries that matter later will get the same treatment. Your money. Your time with your own family. How your future kids get raised.

Run the small-no test

You don't have to wait for him to show you who he is. You can find out on purpose, in the first month, for almost nothing.

1. Pick something low-stakes. He wants Friday and Saturday. Tell him Saturday's out, you've got plans. Or he wants to call at 11 p.m. and you're going to bed.
2. Don't over-explain. One short reason, or none. "Can't do Saturday, but Friday sounds great." Long justifications invite negotiation.
3. Watch the next 24 hours, not the next five minutes. Anyone can type "no problem." What matters is whether the texts cool off, whether the guilt shows up, whether he shows up.
4. See if it comes back. A boundary you have to defend three times wasn't respected the first time.

This isn't a game, and you're not setting a trap. You're doing what any sensible person does before a big commitment. You're checking whether it holds weight.

What a good answer looks like

Be fair to the man in front of you. Plenty of guys are just eager. They text a lot because they like you. They plan ahead because they're planners. Some are a bit clumsy about it. That's not a red flag. That's a man who hasn't dated seriously since college.

The difference shows up when you say no. The eager man says, "Okay, Friday then," and means it. He's a little disappointed and he's over it by lunch. He doesn't make you pay for it later.

That's the man worth slowing down for. From there, watch how he treats the waiter, his mother and the coworker who drives him crazy. The longer case for that is in Judge him by what he does when it costs him something, and if it's getting serious, read The things to watch before you marry him.

Hold yourself to the same standard. If you're the one asking for his phone or sulking when he spends Saturday with his brother, every word above applies to you too.

If you've already seen more than one of these

One flag is a conversation. A pattern is an answer.

If you're a few months in, you recognize the speed and the jealousy, and your no keeps getting renegotiated, stop arguing with yourself about whether it's "bad enough." Call someone who knew you before him. A sister, an old friend, your dad. People outside the relationship notice the change in you before you do. Pulling you away from those people is usually the next move, so call them while it's still easy.

If it's gone past sulking into checking your phone, controlling your money, threats or anything that makes you afraid, it isn't a dating problem anymore. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. It's free and confidential, and the people who answer do this every day.

Walking away in month two costs you a nonrefundable weekend in Asheville. Walking away after the wedding and the mortgage costs a great deal more.

You're not being picky. You're choosing the man who'll be the father of your kids, and a man worth marrying will hear your no on Saturday and still be there Friday night.