Calm is a skill, so teach it before the kids come over

Quick answer: Teach the dog to settle on a mat when nothing is happening. Then add children and other animals one small step at a time, and never leave a dog and a young child alone together. Calm is something you build and reward. It doesn't arrive on its own.

Start where nothing is going on

The doorbell rings. Your sister's three kids pile in, one of them already running. Your dog, who has been fine for years, spins, jumps, and then ducks under the table with his ears flat.

That moment isn't the time to teach anything. The teaching happened, or didn't, on the Tuesday before.

Buy or find a mat about two feet by three. A bath mat works. This is the dog's "place." Put it down, wait for him to step on it, and drop a pea-sized treat between his paws. Do it again. Within a few sessions he'll plant himself there to see what he gets.

Then add the word. Say "place" as he walks toward it. Reward him for lying down. Reward him again every few seconds he stays there, then stretch the gaps. Sessions run five minutes, once or twice a day.

Don't skip ahead. A dog who can't hold a down-stay on a mat in your quiet living room can't do it with a toddler shrieking nearby. If you haven't taught the basics yet, Sit, Stay and Come in Fifteen Minutes a Day covers the groundwork. A brand-new dog needs the first seven days sorted before any of this.

Add noise, then motion, then kids

Build the difficulty in a ladder. Each rung is a separate week, or longer.

1. Sounds. Knock on the door, ring the bell, drop a pan lid. He holds his place. He gets paid.
2. Movement. Walk past briskly. Hop. Jog across the room. Pay him for staying put.
3. A calm child. One kid, sitting, on the far side of the room, with you holding a leash. Reward the dog for looking at the child and then looking back at you.
4. A moving child. Same setup, with the child walking. Keep it short. Quit while it's still going well.

If he can't settle at a given rung, you moved too fast. Back up one step. That isn't failure. It's how this works.

The kids need training too

Most of the work with children is actually done on the children.

Give them three rules and enforce them every time:

• Don't hug the dog or put your face near his. Dogs generally don't like it, even the patient ones.
• Leave him alone when he's eating, chewing a bone, or sleeping.
• If he walks away, let him go. His bed or crate is off limits to everyone.

A seven-year-old can follow those. A two-year-old can't, and that's the point. Toddlers and dogs get supervised, which means you're in the room and watching, not in the next room listening. When you can't watch, there's a baby gate, a crate, or a closed door. It's not mean. It's the grown-up doing his job.

And here's the part some people find awkward: you'll sometimes have to tell somebody else's kid no. A cousin pulling the dog's ears gets a firm, friendly "We don't do that to him. Come pet his shoulder." Your dog can't speak up for himself. You're his advocate, and he's counting on you to be one.

Learn what a nervous dog looks like

Most bites don't come out of nowhere. The dog sends signals first, and people miss them because the signals are quiet.

Watch for a stiff body and a closed mouth. Watch for yawning when he isn't tired, and licking his lips when there's no food. Look at the whites of his eyes showing in a half-moon, or a tail held low and tight. Turning his head away is a request: "I'd like this to stop."

A growl is also information. Don't punish it. A dog who's punished for growling learns to skip the warning, which makes him more dangerous, not less. Calmly end the situation, give him space, and work out what pushed him.

Introducing another dog

Don't toss two dogs in the yard and see what happens.

Meet on neutral ground, like a park or a quiet street, with both dogs leashed and a second person handling the other leash. Start about twenty feet apart. If both are loose and relaxed, close the gap gradually, then walk parallel for a few minutes before any greeting. If the walking has gone well, allow a short sniff, three or four seconds, and then move on. A relaxed leash matters here, so if yours is a puller, fix that first.

At home, pick up toys, bones and food bowls. Feed them in separate rooms. Resource guarding is the usual cause of the first fight, and it's easy to prevent by removing what they'd fight over.

Cats are a different problem

A cat has no interest in being polite to a dog, and a dog who chases has no interest in the cat's opinion.

Give the cat the high ground: a tall shelf, a cat tree, a spot the dog can't reach. Keep a baby gate across a doorway so the cat can leave the room but the dog can't follow. For the first few days, keep them apart and let them smell each other through the gate.

When you let them see each other, keep the dog on a leash and on his mat. Reward him for looking at the cat and then looking away. Never let the cat get cornered. The cat decides when it's done.

Some dogs, especially those bred to chase, may never be trustworthy alone with a cat. If that's yours, manage it permanently with gates, closed doors and supervision. It isn't a character flaw. It's just how he's built.

When to bring in help

Stop and call your veterinarian if the behavior changes suddenly. A dog who used to love kids and now snaps may be in pain, and pain is a medical problem before it's a training one.

If your dog has bitten, lunged at a child, or guards food or toys aggressively, don't try to handle it with articles and good intentions. Ask your vet for a referral to a certified trainer or a veterinary behaviorist. This is one area where the cheap fix and the safe fix aren't the same.

Leave the house better than you found it

If you're taking your dog to somebody else's home, bring his mat and a chew. Let him settle before the party starts, and tell your host the rules before a child ever touches him. If something goes wrong, leave early, with an apology and a plan.

A calm dog is a gift to every house he walks into. It takes about five minutes a day to give.