How he talks about his ex is how he'll talk about you

Quick answer: Meet the people who've known him longer than five years, and ask them about specific moments, not his character. When he talks about his exes, ignore the plot and listen to the grammar. A man who's the hero of every breakup story will eventually need a new villain.

He told you on the third date that his last girlfriend was "completely unhinged." He said it well. You laughed, over eggs at the place with the long wait on Sundays, and he moved on to something else.

Go back to that sentence. It's the most useful thing he's said so far, and it isn't about her.

His oldest friends are his references

Nobody serious hires off a résumé alone. You call references, and a man's references are the people who knew him before he was trying to impress you.

So count them. Does he have friends from ten years ago? From high school, the service, his first job? A 35-year-old whose entire circle dates back two years deserves a question. Sometimes there's a good answer: a cross-country move, a divorce that split the friend group, a hard season he climbed out of. Sometimes the answer is that he burns through people. You won't know until you ask.

Then go where they are. The first time he takes you to a friend's cookout, bring something. A dish, a bag of ice, a pie from the good bakery. Then watch.

Watch who carries the cooler back to the truck at the end of the night, and whether he's one of the guys who stays to fold the tables. Watch how his friends talk to him. Easy ribbing from men who clearly like him is a good sign. Wariness, or a group that seems surprised you exist, is worth noticing. And notice whether these are people you'd want at your own table in ten years, because if this works out, they will be.

Ask his friends better questions

"Is he a good guy?" is a useless question. Everybody says yes. His friends like him. That's why they're his friends.

Ask about moments instead. You don't need an interrogation. One or two of these, dropped casually over a drink, will do:

• "How long have you two known each other?"
• "What was he like when his dad was sick?" (or when he lost that job, or when your buddy's house flooded)
• "Has he ever been the one who came through for you?"

The answers matter less than the speed. A friend who lights up and tells you about the time he drove four hours to help them move has just handed you a reference letter. A friend who pauses, glances at someone else and says "he's a lot of fun" has also told you something.

If someone in your own circle dated him, or knows a woman who did, one conversation is fair. Don't fish for gossip. Ask one question: "Is there anything you'd want your sister to know?" Most women will answer that one straight.

The ex test is grammar, not gossip

Most women listen to the story of his last relationship to decide who was right. That's the wrong game. You weren't there, and you're only hearing one witness. Listen to how he tells it.

Does he appear in his own story? "She cheated" may be true. "She cheated, and looking back, we'd stopped talking months before that and I let it slide" is a man who's thought about it. You're listening for one sentence where he owns a piece of it. One is enough.

Facts or adjectives? "She moved out while I was traveling for work and took the dog" is a fact. "She's psycho" is an adjective. Count them. A man with a real grievance can usually describe what happened. A man with a habit reaches for labels.

How hot does it still run? A breakup from three years ago shouldn't still raise his voice. If he knows where she works now, who she's dating and what she posted last week, he isn't over it, whatever he says.

Is everyone crazy? One unhinged ex is possible. Three is a pattern, and he's the only thing all three have in common.

The good answer sounds boring. "We wanted different things. I wasn't ready to commit and I should've told her sooner." That's a grown man. Boring is what you want here.

When the ex really was that bad

Some women do lie, cheat, drain the joint account and leave. Some men come out of real wreckage, and a man who's been through it may sound bitter for a while. It would be unfair to treat every hard story as a red flag.

So look for three things. He can tell it plainly, without relish. He isn't still fighting it in his head. And it checks out. His friends saw it too, and their version matches his.

He should also be able to say what he'd do differently, even if it's only "I ignored the warning signs for a year because I didn't want to start over." That isn't blaming himself for her choices. It's proof he learned something.

And while you're checking, it's fine to look him up. Most counties let you search civil and criminal court records online, and it takes ten minutes. If he's the man he says he is, you'll never mention it. If he isn't, you'll be very glad you didn't skip it.

If she's the mother of his children

This is the ex who matters most, because she isn't really an ex. She's a permanent part of his life, and soon of yours.

How he speaks about her in front of the kids is the best preview you'll ever get. A man who says "your mom loves you" through gritted teeth, on the hard weeks, is a man with a backbone and some self-control. A man who runs her down to a seven-year-old is showing you exactly how he handles conflict with a woman he once loved.

Notice the logistics too. Does he show up for pickup on time? Does support come up as a constant complaint, or never at all because he just pays it? If he's at war with her, you aren't stepping into a family. You're enlisting.

What not to do

Don't go through her Instagram at one in the morning. You'll learn nothing useful and lose a night of sleep. If that scroll is a habit, getting your evenings back from a phone built to keep them is worth ten minutes.

Don't contact his ex. Ever. It looks unhinged, and then you're the story he tells.

Don't run a cross-examination on date two. But by the third or fourth date, "What happened with your last relationship?" is a completely fair question, and you're allowed to ask it plainly. Being kind and being a pushover aren't the same thing. If he bristles, deflects or changes the subject twice, that's your answer.

And don't wave off your own friends. If two people who love you go quiet when his name comes up, ask them why, then actually listen.

The short version, for your notes app

• He has at least a few friends who've known him five-plus years
• His friends tell specific stories, quickly and warmly
• He stays to help clean up
• He owns at least one sentence in his breakup story
• He uses facts, not labels
• The old relationship doesn't still make him angry
• His version matches his friends' version
• He speaks about the mother of his kids with respect, especially in front of them
• He answers a direct question without bristling

None of this replaces watching what he does over months, especially when it costs him something. It's the early filter. The deeper list comes later, with the things to watch before you marry him.

Someday he'll describe you to somebody. Maybe a buddy over a beer, maybe a new woman over eggs on a Sunday, if this doesn't work out. You've already heard how that sounds.

Believe it.