Watch where his anger goes, and fear contempt more than temper

Quick answer: His temper matters less than where it lands and how fast he cleans it up. Contempt, the eye-roll and the sneer, is the bigger warning, and it usually shows up aimed at someone else before it ever gets to you.

The machine in the airport garage takes his card, thinks about it, and spits out a ticket that says $38 for a two-hour wait. Picture two different men in the driver's seat.

The first one smacks the machine. He says something you won't repeat to your mother, then leans out and lays into the woman in the booth like she personally set the rates. On the drive home he's quiet and tight, and you find yourself choosing your words.

The second one sighs, mutters "thirty-eight dollars," and presses the help button. He's polite to the woman in the booth because she didn't do it. Ten minutes later he's making a joke about taking out a loan for parking.

Both men were angry. Only one of them told you something you needed to know.

You're not looking for a man who never gets angry

This is where a lot of women go wrong. They mistake a flat, never-bothered man for a safe one. A man who never gets angry either doesn't care about much or is storing it somewhere you can't see yet. Neither one is what you want.

You want a man with real fire and a firm hand on it. One who gets angry at injustice, at someone pushing around a kid, at a contractor who ripped off his grandmother, and then does something useful with it. Strength under control is the whole idea. A man who's never been tested hasn't proven he has the control. A man with no strength has nothing to control.

So don't ask whether he gets angry. Ask what his anger is for.

Contempt is the one that should scare you

The marriage researcher John Gottman spent decades watching couples argue and found that contempt was one of the strongest signs a marriage was headed for trouble. It ranked above shouting and above disagreement. That fits what most people learn the hard way.

Temper is hot and it passes. Contempt is cold and it stays.

Contempt is anger with a sense of superiority added. It says I'm above you. And it leaks out early, in small ways he doesn't think you're noticing:

• The eye-roll when the server gets the order wrong.
• "People are idiots" as a general view of the world.
• A mocking voice when he imitates his coworker, his sister or his ex.
• Jokes at your expense in front of friends, followed by "Relax, I'm kidding."
• A nickname that's meant to sting a little.

That last one deserves attention. "I'm kidding" is how contempt tests the fence. If you laugh, the fence moves.

Notice who he sneers at in the first three months. You aren't on the list yet because you're new and he's trying. Lists grow.

The tests he doesn't know he's taking

Don't stage tests. Setting traps is manipulation, and it'll poison something that might have been good. You don't need to set anything up anyway. Ordinary life tests everyone. Just pay attention when these come around:

• A waiter or cashier makes a mistake. He's being kind to someone who can't do anything for him, or he isn't.
• Traffic. Some yelling at the windshield is human. Tailgating and following a driver who cut him off isn't.
• Losing. Pickup basketball, cards with your family, a fantasy league. Watch whether he can lose without sulking for an hour.
• Being wrong in front of people. Can he say "my mistake" out loud, or does he argue past the point where everyone's uncomfortable?
• You saying no. No to a plan, a restaurant, a second drink, a weekend away. This is the one that matters most. A man who respects your no in small things will respect it in large ones.
• A phone call with his mother or his boss. How a man talks to people he's tied to tells you how he'll talk to you in year six.

Any one of these on a bad day proves very little. The pattern is what counts.

Watch the direction

Anger always points somewhere, and the direction tells you more than the volume.

At the problem is what you want. The flat tire makes him mad, and then he changes the flat tire.

At himself can be fine in small doses. If it's constant, it often turns outward later.

Down is the bad one. That means anger aimed at people with less power: servers, employees, kids, the dog. Men who punch down don't usually stop at the people they started with.

At objects gets excused more than anything else. "He just hit the wall, he'd never touch me." Maybe. But a man who punches a wall in front of you is showing you what he'll do when he's angry with you in the room. Take the message.

The repair matters more than the blowup

Everyone snaps eventually. Low blood sugar, a brutal week, a bad call from home. One sharp moment isn't a verdict, and you shouldn't treat it like one. You'll have yours too.

What tells you something is the next day. A real apology names what he did, doesn't come with a "but," and shows up in his behavior afterward. "I was short with you last night and you didn't deserve it" is a grown man talking.

Watch for these instead:

• "I'm sorry you felt that way." That isn't an apology.
• "I'm sorry, but you know how I get when you..." That's an apology with an invoice attached.
• An apology so big and beautiful that it becomes part of a cycle. Blowup, flowers, sweetness, blowup. If the apologies are getting better and the behavior isn't, you're watching a pattern.

What you'll be tempted to excuse

You'll like him, so you'll want to explain things away. Every woman does. These are the excuses that come up most:

"He's under a lot of stress." Stress shows you what a man is made of. It doesn't hand him a new personality.

"He'd had a few drinks." Alcohol doesn't add anything to a man. It takes the brakes off what's already there.

"His dad was like that." That's useful context and it's worth compassion. It's also exactly why you should watch whether he knows it and is working against it, or has just accepted it.

"He's never like that with me." Not yet. You're getting his best behavior right now. Whatever slips out in the first months is the floor, not the ceiling.

"He's just protective." Protective means he walks you to the car. Jealous means he wants your phone. They aren't the same thing. For more on telling the difference, read the things to watch before you marry him.

Hold yourself to the same standard

Be honest about this part. If you roll your eyes at him in front of your friends, or go cold for two days to win a point, that's contempt too, and it rots a relationship from your side just as fast.

The goal isn't a pristine record. It's two people who get angry at problems, not at each other, and who clean up their own messes without being asked. Put him first, and expect to be treated the same way. Being generous with a man doesn't mean letting him walk over you. A woman with a backbone is better for him too.

His character shows most clearly when something costs him. We wrote more about that in judge him by what he does when it costs him something.

If something already scares you

Disagreeing with someone is normal. Fear isn't. If you've started editing what you say before you say it, if he's blocked a doorway, grabbed your arm, thrown something, or demanded to check your phone, stop weighing it like a dating question. Tell someone you trust today. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. In Canada, call your provincial helpline or 911 if you're in danger.

And if that's where you are, you didn't miss the signs because you're foolish. Good men and bad men both know how to bring flowers. That's why you watch the rest.

Anyone can be charming across a candlelit table. Watch him at the ticket machine.