He knows about the waiter test. Watch the second mistake.

Quick answer: Any man can be polite once. Watch how he handles the second time something goes wrong, how he disagrees with his mother, and what he does with a small promise he can't keep. Those three show you the man who'll be around in year ten.

The fries come out wrong. He was clear when he ordered them: no cheese, his stomach can't take it. The server apologizes, takes them back, and fifteen minutes later they come out wrong again.

That second plate is the real test.

The first time was easy. He smiled and said "no worries" and you liked him for it. Every man in America has heard that you should judge a date by how he treats the waiter. It's been in business books and on social media for twenty years. A man with any sense passes the first round on autopilot. He knows you're watching.

The second round is harder to fake, because by then he's hungry and annoyed and has stopped thinking about you.

The waiter: watch round two

When the order is wrong twice, watch the next ten seconds. You're looking for three or four specific things.

Does his voice change? A man can say perfectly reasonable words in a tone built to make a twenty-two-year-old feel small. Listen to the tone, not the words.

Does he make it her problem or the kitchen's? "Hey, looks like they missed it again, could you check?" is a man solving a problem. "Seriously? Again?" is a man looking for someone to blame, and he's picked the person who can't talk back.

Then watch the tip. A man who stiffs a server because the kitchen got it wrong is telling you how he handles it when someone in his care makes a mistake that isn't really theirs. Some day that'll be you, or your kid.

Small things add up too. Does he stack the plates at the edge of the table? Does he say thank you every time a glass gets refilled, or only when you're looking? A man who leaves a table easier to clear than he found it was probably raised by someone who made him.

Watch how he talks about the evening afterward. If the story in the car is "that was a lot of hassle for fries," fine. If it's ten minutes on how incompetent everyone was, you're getting a preview.

His mother: watch the disagreement, not the devotion

Most advice about this stops at "a man who loves his mom will love his wife." That's half right. Plenty of men love their mothers and are completely unable to tell them no. That man will love you too, and he'll let his mother rearrange your kitchen, your holidays and your parenting while he hides in the garage.

So don't just watch whether he calls her. Watch what happens when they disagree.

Sooner or later you'll be there for it. She wants him home for Thanksgiving and he's already promised his sister. She has opinions about his job, or his apartment, or you. Pay attention to how he handles it:

• He respects her and holds his ground. "Mom, I hear you, and I'm still doing it this way." Calm. No sulking afterward. That's a grown man.
• He caves and resents it. He says yes on the phone and complains to you for an hour. That resentment has to go somewhere, and in a marriage it usually lands on the wife.
• He's cruel to her. Short, dismissive, rolling his eyes when she talks. However charming he's with you, that's how he talks to a woman once he's sure she isn't going anywhere.

The question you're really asking is this: when his mother and his wife disagree, whose side will he take? The right answer isn't "always yours" and it isn't "always hers." It's that he backs his wife, honors his mother, and doesn't make you fight his battles with his family for him. If he can't do that at twenty-eight, don't count on him learning it at forty.

One honest exception. Some men have a hard relationship with their mother for real reasons: addiction, abandonment, things nobody should have to forgive on a timeline. Don't hold the distance against him. Listen to how he talks about it. A man who can say "she wasn't there for me, and I've made my peace with what I can" has done serious work. A man who's still furious at fifty, or who talks about every woman in his past the same way, hasn't.

For more on reading the family you might marry into, the things to watch before you marry him goes further.

His word: watch the small promises

Nobody breaks a big promise on the third date. The big ones haven't been made yet. What you can see early is how he treats the small ones.

"I'll call you Tuesday." Does Tuesday come with a call?

"I'll pay you back for the tickets." Does the money show up before you have to ask, or do you end up mentioning it twice and feeling cheap for doing it?

"I'll help you move on Saturday." Does he show up at nine with his own dolly and stay until the last box is up the stairs, or does he come at eleven and leave by one?

But the test that really matters is what he does when he can't keep his word. Life happens. Work runs late, a friend lands in the hospital. Any honest man will miss something eventually. So watch how he handles it:

• The good version: he tells you before the deadline, owns it, and offers something specific. "I know I said Saturday. My brother's car died and I'm driving him to Tulsa. Can I take you to breakfast Sunday at ten instead?"
• The bad version: silence, then an excuse after the fact. Or worse, he acts like he never said it, and you start wondering whether you made it up.

That last one deserves a name. If a man regularly leaves you second-guessing your own memory of what he said, that's not forgetfulness. It's a habit, and it gets worse with time.

A man who keeps small promises when nobody's checking is the same man who'll keep a vow when it costs him something. We wrote more about that in judge him by what he does when it costs him something.

What doesn't count against him

Don't turn every dinner into a trial. Some things look like red flags and aren't.

One bad night. He got news about his dad an hour before dinner and he was short with the hostess. Ask about it. One moment is a moment. Three is a pattern.

Frugal isn't the same as cheap. A man who orders water and skips dessert because he's paying down a truck loan is doing something right. The question is whether he's tight with himself or tight with other people. The cheap man stiffs the waiter. The frugal man skips the appetizer so he can tip well.

Nerves. Some good men are awkward with strangers and come across as cold. Awkward is fine. Contempt isn't. You'll learn to tell the difference fast.

A short list for the third or fourth date

You don't need a clipboard. Just keep these in the back of your mind:

• When something goes wrong the second time, does his tone stay the same?
• Does he tip like the server is a person with rent due?
• Does he disagree with his mother without either caving or sneering?
• Has he kept every small promise so far, including the ones you'd forgotten?
• When he couldn't keep one, did you hear it from him first?

If you're getting four or five yeses, keep going.

The part nobody wants to hear

Most women see the warning signs. The problem is that they explain them away. He was tired. The waiter really was slow. His mom is a lot. Sometimes that's true. But if you're making the same excuse for the third time, you're no longer giving him the benefit of the doubt. You're doing his work for him.

Be generous about a bad night. Be clear-eyed about a pattern. And remember that the man worth marrying is watching how you treat the waiter too.