The green flags that only show up on an ordinary Tuesday

Quick answer: The three best signs in a man rarely show up on a date. Watch the job he doesn't love, the kid who asks the same question nine times, and the small promise he could easily skip.

You lend him your car on a Saturday. The gas light is a quarter mile from coming on, there's a coffee cup in the holder from Wednesday, and the passenger floor is a museum of receipts. He brings it back Sunday afternoon with a full tank and a clean floor, and he doesn't mention either one.

That's the whole article, really. The rest is learning to spot that kind of thing everywhere else.

Dinner is the worst place to judge a man

Almost every man is good at the date. He's showered and he's paying attention, and he's on his best behavior for two hours. That tells you he can perform, which is useful to know, but it isn't character.

Character shows up when the effort isn't being graded. It's in the boring hours: the Tuesday after a bad day, the nephew's birthday party, the friend who needs help moving a couch up three flights. If you've only seen him across a restaurant table, you've seen the trailer. Give it time and widen the setting.

The three flags below have one thing in common. Each one is about how he treats people and obligations that can't reward him for it.

Work ethic: watch the job he doesn't love

Any man works hard at something he enjoys. Watch how he treats the work he'd rather not do.

Does he show up on time to the job he complains about? Does he finish the shelf he started in his garage, or is it still leaning against the wall in March? When he's at your apartment after dinner, does he get up and rinse plates without being asked, or does he settle into the couch like a guest at a resort?

Listen to how he talks about his boss and his coworkers, too. A man with a real work ethic can be frustrated with his job and still speak about the people there like adults. The guy who's always the hero of every work story, surrounded by idiots, will eventually cast you in a supporting role.

The counterfeit: the man who's always grinding. Sixteen-hour days, phone face-up at dinner, a side hustle for the side hustle. That's ambition, and ambition is fine, but work ethic includes knowing when to clock out and come home. A man who can't stop working isn't disciplined. He's just elsewhere.

The concession: getting laid off isn't a red flag. Plenty of good men have been let go by companies that were cutting costs. What matters is the Monday after. Is he sending applications, picking up shifts, fixing his mother's fence while he waits? Or is he three weeks into a video game and "weighing his options"?

Patience with kids: the ninth question, not the first

Anybody can be charming with a child for five minutes. The real test starts around minute forty.

Watch him at a family barbecue when your six-year-old niece asks why the sky is blue, then why, then why again. Watch what happens when a toddler spills apple juice down his shirt. Does his face tighten and recover, or does it stay tight? When a kid is acting up, does he correct calmly, at eye level, without making the child feel small? Or does he hand the problem back to the nearest woman and wander off toward the grill?

That's the counterfeit, by the way: the fun uncle. He's tossing kids in the pool and handing out candy, the hit of the party, right up until somebody cries. Then he's gone. Playing with children is easy. Staying when it stops being fun is the skill a father actually needs.

The concession: a man who hasn't been around kids much may be stiff and unsure. He holds a baby like it's a bag of groceries that might go off. Stiff is fine, because stiff can be learned. Short-tempered is the thing to worry about.

Extend this beyond children while you're at it. The waitress who got the order wrong. The teenager bagging groceries too slowly. The elderly man taking forever in the checkout line. How he treats people who are slower, smaller or less useful to him is a preview of how he'll treat a colicky baby at 3 a.m. and a wife with the flu.

Promises: count the small ones

The big promises are easy to keep because everyone's watching. You learn far more from the small ones.

"I'll call you Thursday." Does Thursday happen? "I'll look at that sticking door when I come over." Does he bring a screwdriver? He borrows forty dollars at a ballgame. Does he pay you back before you have to bring it up, or does it quietly disappear?

A man who keeps his promises makes fewer of them. That's the tell most people miss. The reliable guy says "I can't do Saturday, but I can do Sunday morning" instead of saying yes to everything and flaking on half of it. If he's careful with his yes, take that as a good sign rather than a cold one. He's treating his word like it costs something.

The counterfeit: the grand gesture after the broken promise. Forgets your mother's birthday dinner, shows up the next day with roses and a speech. Once is human. A pattern of big apologies covering for small failures means you're being managed, not loved.

The concession: everyone drops one eventually. A man with real character handles it simply. He owns it without a list of excuses, fixes it if it can be fixed and doesn't do it again. Watch the repair more than the miss. There's more on this in Judge him by what he does when it costs him something.

How to see all three without playing games

Don't set traps. Testing a man with staged situations is manipulative, and good men can smell it. You don't need tricks. You need time and variety.

• Meet his people. His family, his friends, his coworkers at a Christmas party. How they talk about him when he's out of the room matters.
• Spend a Saturday doing errands together. Hardware store, grocery run, his grandmother's gutters. Ordinary life shows you more than any vacation.
• Get around kids together. Birthday parties, church picnics, a weekend babysitting your sister's two.
• Give it seasons. You want to see him tired, stressed, sick and disappointed at least once each before you're making permanent decisions.
• Volunteer somewhere together. Food bank, a youth league, a neighbor's move. Nobody's clapping there.

If things are getting serious, The things to watch before you marry him goes deeper on the long view.

Hold the line, and hold yourself to it

Two things, and both take a little backbone.

First, believe what you see. If he snaps at your nephew twice and blames the kid both times, don't talk yourself out of it because he's handsome and remembers your coffee order. Women are very good at building a case for the defense. Let the evidence stand. You can be kind about it and still walk away.

Second, earn the man you want. This list works in both directions. A good man is watching whether you finish what you start, how you treat his little brother, whether your word holds. Serve generously, keep your promises and be patient with the kids in your life. And when you borrow his truck, bring it back washed with a full tank, even if it came to you on fumes.

The best men usually aren't the most impressive ones on the first date. They're the ones who leave everything a little better than they found it, your car included, without asking for credit.