Tell your kids what you've decided about the house

Quick answer: Decide first, then tell them. Settle where you want to live, who gets the house, and who's in charge. Then bring everyone to the table at once and say it plainly.

Somewhere in the last few years, your children have had a version of this conversation without you. Maybe it was in a driveway after a holiday dinner. Maybe it was a phone call between siblings, ten minutes long, ending with "Somebody has to bring it up."

They aren't plotting. They love you and they're worried. But when you say nothing, they fill the silence with guesses. One guesses Mom wants to stay forever. One guesses Dad will sell and move south. One guesses the house goes to whoever lives closest. All three are planning around a house that isn't theirs.

You can end that in an afternoon. Do it before they do it for you.

Decide where you want to live

Start here, because everything else depends on it. Don't answer for your kids or your doctor. Answer for yourself.

Do you want to stay in this house as long as you possibly can? Plenty of people do, and it's a sound plan if the house cooperates. Look at it honestly. Are the bedroom and a full bathroom on the main floor, or could they be? How far is the nearest doctor and the nearest grocery store if you stop driving? Who plows or mows?

Then name your trigger. A trigger is the specific thing that would change your mind. "If I can't manage the stairs." "If the upkeep costs more than a smaller place would." "If I'm alone and the quiet gets heavy." Say it out loud now, while you're well. Your kids will worry far less if they know there's a line and you've drawn it yourself.

If a move is on your mind, downsizing the house while keeping the equity is worth reading before you talk to anyone.

Decide what happens to the house

You have more choices than "split it three ways." You can leave it to one child, divide it, sell it and divide the proceeds, or leave it to someone outside the family altogether. It's your house. You earned it, and you get to decide.

Two things to weigh.

Equal isn't always fair. Suppose your daughter drove you to every appointment for six years, and your son got help with a down payment in 2009. Splitting everything down the middle may feel like fairness to you and like an insult to her. On the other hand, equal is the simplest, and simple prevents fights. A sensible person could go either way. What you can't do is leave the unequal choice unexplained. If you're going to treat them differently, tell them why, in your own voice, while you're alive.

Two owners and one house is a problem. If you leave the place to two children jointly, you've handed them a decision. One will want to sell and one will want to keep it. Give them the answer instead. Say who can buy out whom, and how the price gets set. Or tell them to sell and split it.

Taxes matter too. Under current rules, a child who inherits a house is often treated differently for capital gains than one who's given the house during your lifetime. The gap can be large. Don't deed the house to a child to "keep it simple" until you've talked to an elder-law attorney or a tax professional. Giving away a house can also affect eligibility for Medicaid, the program that pays for long-term nursing care when savings run out, because it looks back at transfers made in the years before you apply. A lawyer can explain how that works in your state.

Name who's in charge

Somebody will have to handle the paperwork, the sale, the utilities, and the arguments. Pick that person on purpose.

Pick the organized one. Not the oldest by default, and not the one you're closest to. The right executor is whoever returns calls, keeps receipts, and doesn't flinch at a form. Then tell the others why. "Dave is good with paperwork" ends most disputes before they start.

Check the deed while you're at it. Is the house in both names? If you lost your spouse, was the title ever updated? An out-of-date deed turns a simple handoff into months of court visits. Your will and power of attorney, done in one afternoon covers the documents that put all of this in writing.

Don't forget what's inside

Here's the part that actually starts the fights. It's rarely the house. It's the dining table, the good dishes, Dad's tools, Mom's cookie tin with the cracked lid.

Walk through each room with a pad. Write down what you'd like to go where. Or do it the other way. Give each child a turn at choosing, with a different colored sticky note for each, and see who wants what. You'll learn things. The son you thought wanted the clock wants the workbench.

Then consider handing things over now. A grandson who gets your toolbox this spring will use it this summer, and you'll get to tell him which wrench was your father's. That beats a line in a will.

Write it down once you've decided. In many states a handwritten list isn't legally binding on its own, so ask your attorney how to make it count where you live.

Have the conversation

Pick a Sunday afternoon. Everyone at one table, children and spouses if you want them there, or just the children if that's easier. No surprises beforehand. A call or text a week ahead is enough: "I'd like everyone here on the 14th. I want to tell you my plans for the house."

Then open the way you'd want to be told something hard. Straight.

"I'm not asking permission. I'm telling you what I've decided so nobody has to guess. I'll answer questions. I won't reopen the decisions."

Expect someone to tear up. Expect someone to say, "Don't talk like this." Expect one to ask about money before the others do. Let each of those pass. Be kind about it. These are your children, and the subject is your mortality. But don't let kindness turn into a vote. You can explain your choices without defending them.

And if one child pushes hard, argues, bargains, or tries to get you alone and change your mind, you've learned something. That child shouldn't be in charge.

Leave a folder

Finish with a single folder or binder, and tell them where it lives. Inside, put:

• Copies of the will and power of attorney, and your attorney's name and number
• The deed, the mortgage statement if there's one, and the homeowner's insurance policy
• Account numbers for the utilities and the property tax bill
• The list of who gets what inside the house

If you need help finding a local legal aid program or a senior services office, the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 (eldercare.acl.gov) can point you to one.

When you're done, the house keeps standing and the family keeps talking. Your kids won't be planning around you anymore. They'll be planning with you, which is where this should have been all along.

This is general information, not legal, tax or financial advice. For decisions about your own house, ask an elder-law attorney and a tax professional in your state.