Over or under, and the real crime on the roll

The case

I hang the roll so the paper falls over the front. My wife, Claire, hangs it so the paper falls against the wall. We've done this for six years. Each of us quietly flips the roll whenever the other one leaves the room. Some mornings it's been flipped three times before breakfast.

Last Sunday we put it before Grandma, who has run a house for fifty-one years and has never once agreed to disagree about anything.

Exhibit A

Over. Argued by me, a man holding a fork.

Over is how the thing was designed. The 1891 patent drawing from Seth Wheeler, who put perforated paper on a roll, shows the sheets hanging over the front. That's the original, and I like to start with the original.

It's also easy to use. The loose end sits where your hand goes, even in the dark at 2 a.m. You can find the edge without a search party. You get a clean tear along the perforation. In a guest bathroom, a visitor sees the end and knows what to do. Nobody has to hunt behind the roll like they're looking for a light switch in a strange house.

That was my whole case. I thought it was strong. I said "patent" twice.

Exhibit B

Under. Argued by Claire, who was calm about it.

Claire's side has a cat named Biscuit. Over, the loose end dangles like an invitation, and Biscuit accepts it every time. We have come home to a living room that looked like a parade had been through. Under, the end sits tucked against the wall and Biscuit loses interest.

She also pointed out that a toddler at the house, ours someday or somebody's visiting, will unroll an over-hung roll to the floor in about four seconds. Under makes that harder. Under also keeps the paper from brushing the wall-side of your hand, and some people just like the tidier look of it.

Then she said, "I don't need a patent. I need a bathroom that survives the cat."

I put my fork down.

Grandma's ruling

Grandma took a long sip of coffee. That's how you know it's coming.

"Over is the default. Easier to find, easier to tear, and a guest shouldn't need instructions. Claire, you've got a cat. In a house with a cat or a toddler, you hang it under until the cat gets old or the toddler gets taller. That's not losing. That's running a house."

I started to smile. She turned to me.

"Now. Who's the one who leaves the empty tube on the holder and puts the new roll on top of the toilet tank?"

I did not say anything.

"Honey, the direction of the paper is a hobby. The empty tube is a crime. I've been married a long time and I never once heard of a divorce over over-or-under. The cardboard tube is another story."

Claire looked at the ceiling like a woman who'd been waiting six years for exactly this.

"Whoever takes the last sheet changes the roll. That's the law in my house, and it's the law in yours. If you can't remember, put the spare roll on the holder before you sit down. Next case."

The practical part

Here's the house rule, ready to use tonight.

• Pick the default by the household, not the principle. No cat, no toddler: hang it over. Cat or toddler around: hang it under. Revisit when that changes.
• The last-sheet rule. Whoever uses the last sheet replaces the roll. Not "whoever notices." Whoever used it. It's the same logic as a borrowed truck. You bring it back with a full tank.
• Keep a spare within arm's reach. One roll in a basket or on the tank lid, one more in the cabinet. The goal is that nobody is ever stranded, and nobody has to shout a request through a closed door.
• Mount the holder where it works. Roughly 8 to 12 inches in front of the bowl's front edge, and about 26 inches off the floor, is a common spot. If you're in a rental with a spring rod, a loose roll is usually just a rod that needs to be squeezed in tight.
• If a cat is winning, try a hooded holder or a roll cover. They run a few bucks at a hardware store, and they work better than arguing.
• Leave it better than you found it. If you're a guest, put a fresh roll on before you leave the bathroom. Your host will never mention it and will never forget it. This is the same instinct behind clean as you go, and it's the kind of small courtesy that sits right beside the manners my grandmother drilled in.
• Stop flipping each other's roll. If you flip it, you've picked a fight over something that Grandma settled in forty seconds. Marriages go long on the strength of dropping small stuff, which is more or less the whole story of a couple who were married sixty years and never kept score.

The roll in our house now hangs under, because of Biscuit. It's been six weeks, and I haven't flipped it once.

The new roll is on the holder before I sit down. Claire hasn't said a word. She doesn't need to.